The choice of parenting

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I always dreamed of having 12 kids or more. Of course, when I was a kid myself, I dreamed of having a nanny, housekeeper, and cook too! Somehow that didn't work out. Once I became an adult, I knew I wanted to spend every moment I could with my kids. I never wanted to miss out on anything. Even when they frustrate me to the very end of my patience, I'm thankful that I have them and get to be a part of their lives.

What is frustrating to me is that my children's other parent did not always feel that way. He was a very involved part of our sons’ lives when they were small. I remember him loading the boys up in the stroller and taking them out to the disk golf course with him. We used to take camping trips, and go to museums, and parks. Once upon a time, we did a lot of things together. Unfortunately, by the time my boys were 2 and 4, he was too involved in drugs and alcohol to keep his family a priority. For the last six months to a year before we separated, he was gone more than he was home. My boys were in bed long before he would get home, and he would be gone to work long before they woke up. They seldom saw him. When they did see him, he was most often passed out or drunk. My oldest son is really the only one with memories of him before our divorce, and that's only because he has a crazy memory. The kid literally remembers a trip to Mexico when he was 20 months old! The next handful of years, my ex was a nonexistent part of their lives.

Thankfully, he's cleaned up a bit, and has made an effort to be a part of their lives for the past few years. Unfortunately, you can't erase everything by wishing it away. When he first started seeing the kids, my daughter had no idea who he was. She had not met him until after she was a year old (and then it was only because his mother insisted on taking her over to meet him!), and then did not spend any significant time with him at all before she was about 4. She called the guy that was there for her from birth "daddy", not him, and she was a huge "daddy's girl". Big time. It was awkward when he started trying to be a part of her life, and act as though he'd been there all along, when she had no clue who he was. My younger son has no memories of him before he started working to be in their lives again. He was virtually a stranger to him too. My oldest has memories, but not all of them are good. The problem is, you can't choose to NOT be a part of your children's lives for years, and then expect them to not have any reservations when you decide you want to be a part again.

When they are small, the relationship you have with your child is totally up to you.

You decide whether you're going to put the effort in and have a good relationship with them.

When they are older, it is totally up to them.

That's what my ex-husband is finding out. My oldest son chooses not to go for his weekend visitation with his dad. He is 14 years old now, and I do not force him anymore. My younger two do not want to go either. Because they are still younger (Ella is only 9), I feel that the decision isn't completely theirs yet. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to realize that he still holds the power as far as developing a good relationship with them. It's not that his relationship with TJ is lost- it's just going to be more difficult at this point, as he's a teenager now. He needs to meet him on TJ's terms. It was my hope that he would recognize that he needs to work on developing those relationships, and change some behaviors to encourage the other two to bond a little more with him. Thus far, that hasn't happened. It's not that they hate going to see him. I'm sure they have a good time while they are there. They just don't look forward to it. They beg me to let them stay home. They don't get one on one time with their dad, as he has a "new" family, and they are just thrust into that scene. A scene they aren't really a part of, but are forced to try to fit into.

I wish I had the answer to fix things, but that lies with him. Only he can repair those relationships. He claims to want to, but hasn't made more than a half-hearted effort. You can't strong arm a child into loving you. You can't force them to want to spend time with you. As a parent, you have a window of opportunity to be the one in control of how close your relationship with your child is, and of the amount of time your child spends with you. Use that time wisely. Once it's gone, you may not get it back.