The difference between where I am and where I want to be

I am a walking oxymoron. Everything about me is a contradiction. There is such a disconnect in where and who I am, and where and who I want to be. Some days it seems like an insurmountable distance between the two. The older I get, the more conservative I am becoming. That is at conflict with who I have been all my life. I’ve always been what could be considered conservative in some areas, but certainly not in others; but find it more so as I age, and reaching more areas of my life. Having children has impacted that greatly, though it has been increasingly growing as they get older.

I’m a smartphone wearing, satellite dish loving, social media addict; yet at the same time, I’d love to move away from civilization and ditch all those things. As much as I rely on and use those things daily, I’ve always wanted a Little House on the Prairie or Anne of Green Gables life. Truly, where I’d like to be is in the country on a huge lot of land and less outside influence. Seems a little oxymoronic, no?

I was raised Catholic, though not really practicing outside of parochial school. I left the Catholic Church for a number of reasons, and found myself in love with my Evangelical Free church. I started there thinking it was important for my kids to be “churched”, yet not really feeling the need for myself. Boy was I wrong. It has filled a void I didn’t even know I have. And as I’ve aged and really grown in my walk, I’ve been growing in my convictions towards being more conservative. Not in a judgmental way, or legalistic “I have to behave in such-and-such a way to be saved” way, but in a personal conviction way. It’s just what feels right in my heart. My kids have a plethora of friends of differing faiths, yet are active members of our church. They see their same-aged friends in “dating typed” relationships (which KILLS me), yet our family rule is that there is no dating allowed. We have discussed what dating is, and that the act of dating’s purpose is to find a potential mate; at this point in their lives, they’re certainly not seeking a spouse, so there is no acceptable reason for them to be pairing off. I struggle with teaching them what a godly husband and godly wife are like, when they’re not being modeled such character qualities. It’s my desire that they grow into strong godly men and woman that seek out spouses with the same character traits. I homeschool my children for a number of reasons, not the least of which is to control some of the outside influence on them. I’ve been a cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting, non-vaccinating, co-sleeping, and a-million-other-labels mom. At the same time, I’m a True Blood loving, Harry Potter watching, too often a potty mouth, yelling-at-my-kids when they drive me nuts, pierced lip kind of mom. If I ever get the courage, I may get a tattoo. I put my daughter in beauty pageants, and my boys play shoot-em-up video games. Yet another oxymoron?

Someday maybe who and where I am will align with who and where I want to be. As long as I’m moving in that direction, I think that’s enough for me. I suppose there are greater travesties than being a walking oxymoron. Maybe being one and not knowing it would be worse? I know the things I want and need to work on and work towards. And maybe someday you’ll see me in my farmhouse, with my well behaved children helping to tend our alpacas. Maybe I’ll be the skirt wearing, homeschooling mom with no TV or video games in the house. Then again, maybe we’ll still be living in a city I can’t stand and they’ll be trying to pull each other’s hair out, arguing over which video game to play next. I know what my goal is, and even if I have to take baby steps to make it there, I’m okay with that. I’m pretty good at being a walking oxymoron by now.