Pray Big, Pray bold

1 Chronicles 4:10(NIV)
10 Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

Pray big, Pray bold. It's an idea that has recently presented itself to me more than once lately, and in completely different circumstances. I don't believe it is merely "coincidence".

Proverbs 28:1(NIV)
28 The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

Ephesians 3:20(NIV)
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

I pray, and I pray often. I pray that I make it to work on time. I pray that my children will not drive me mad that day. I pray that I will have enough money to pay a bill, or enough leniency from the collector to wait until I have enough money. I pray for some small things, and some larger things. But the idea of praying big and praying boldly hasn't been an attitude that I've held. Until recently. Certainly, praying for the small things is fine. And certainly, God hears my prayers, and answers them just the same. But He is a God capable of moving mountains, not limited to just changing a stoplight to green so I make it to work on time! He is a capable of unbelievable feats, capable of the unimaginable. Why am I limiting my requests to things that are so easy? Why am I not giving him my prayers that only a truly awesome God could possibly be capable of answering? Why not give Him a chance to show his might, to demonstrate his glory? I have some huge desires, huge needs, that I've kept wrapped up in my own head, and never thought of throwing them at his feet in prayer. Why is that?

Many mighty men and women of the bible prayed boldly before the Lord. Moses, Abraham, King David, Daniel, Joshua, just to name a few. Their prayers weren't answered because they were easy to answer. They weren't answered because they took the least amount of effort, or because they were the least bothersome to the Lord in their requests. They knew what they wanted or needed and boldly brought their needs before the Lord. They didn't pussy foot around and meekly ask for their desires, if it wasn't too much trouble! Moses many times called out to God on behalf of Israel, and God answered in huge ways.

Hebrews 4:16(NIV)
16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Philippians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your prayers to God."

How can I not present my huge, seemingly impossible requests to him? What have I to lose by boldly bringing them to His feet? It has been demonstrated time and time again in the bible, so why have I not followed suit? It's time to think of those big big prayers. It's time to bring those prayers boldly to the throne. It's time to pray big and pray bold.

The difference between where I am and where I want to be

I am a walking oxymoron. Everything about me is a contradiction. There is such a disconnect in where and who I am, and where and who I want to be. Some days it seems like an insurmountable distance between the two. The older I get, the more conservative I am becoming. That is at conflict with who I have been all my life. I’ve always been what could be considered conservative in some areas, but certainly not in others; but find it more so as I age, and reaching more areas of my life. Having children has impacted that greatly, though it has been increasingly growing as they get older.

I’m a smartphone wearing, satellite dish loving, social media addict; yet at the same time, I’d love to move away from civilization and ditch all those things. As much as I rely on and use those things daily, I’ve always wanted a Little House on the Prairie or Anne of Green Gables life. Truly, where I’d like to be is in the country on a huge lot of land and less outside influence. Seems a little oxymoronic, no?

I was raised Catholic, though not really practicing outside of parochial school. I left the Catholic Church for a number of reasons, and found myself in love with my Evangelical Free church. I started there thinking it was important for my kids to be “churched”, yet not really feeling the need for myself. Boy was I wrong. It has filled a void I didn’t even know I have. And as I’ve aged and really grown in my walk, I’ve been growing in my convictions towards being more conservative. Not in a judgmental way, or legalistic “I have to behave in such-and-such a way to be saved” way, but in a personal conviction way. It’s just what feels right in my heart. My kids have a plethora of friends of differing faiths, yet are active members of our church. They see their same-aged friends in “dating typed” relationships (which KILLS me), yet our family rule is that there is no dating allowed. We have discussed what dating is, and that the act of dating’s purpose is to find a potential mate; at this point in their lives, they’re certainly not seeking a spouse, so there is no acceptable reason for them to be pairing off. I struggle with teaching them what a godly husband and godly wife are like, when they’re not being modeled such character qualities. It’s my desire that they grow into strong godly men and woman that seek out spouses with the same character traits. I homeschool my children for a number of reasons, not the least of which is to control some of the outside influence on them. I’ve been a cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting, non-vaccinating, co-sleeping, and a-million-other-labels mom. At the same time, I’m a True Blood loving, Harry Potter watching, too often a potty mouth, yelling-at-my-kids when they drive me nuts, pierced lip kind of mom. If I ever get the courage, I may get a tattoo. I put my daughter in beauty pageants, and my boys play shoot-em-up video games. Yet another oxymoron?

Someday maybe who and where I am will align with who and where I want to be. As long as I’m moving in that direction, I think that’s enough for me. I suppose there are greater travesties than being a walking oxymoron. Maybe being one and not knowing it would be worse? I know the things I want and need to work on and work towards. And maybe someday you’ll see me in my farmhouse, with my well behaved children helping to tend our alpacas. Maybe I’ll be the skirt wearing, homeschooling mom with no TV or video games in the house. Then again, maybe we’ll still be living in a city I can’t stand and they’ll be trying to pull each other’s hair out, arguing over which video game to play next. I know what my goal is, and even if I have to take baby steps to make it there, I’m okay with that. I’m pretty good at being a walking oxymoron by now.

Perfect Christians

It's very disheartening when the biggest players in showing Christianity in a negative light are the very people that claim to practice it. Unfortunately, it does the most damage to the "cause".

I've had some recent experiences that have left me shaking my head at the actions of some of those who claim to be the biggest and bestest at being exemplary Christians. It's hard enough to swallow the actions of the people who present themselves as perfect Christians, and perfect people in general. It's just the icing on the cake when it crosses the border into hypocrisy. I've never counted myself as perfect at anything, and certainly not a perfect Christ follower. The beauty is no one else is perfect either. We are all flawed by design, and will never be perfect or worthy enough. That's the meaning of being saved by grace- I don't have to be perfect. God loves me beyond comprehension anyway, flawed and broken as I am. But there are those people who feel the need to present themselves as perfect, while looking down upon others who don't meet up to the standards that they can't even meet themselves. No, I will never be the best mother, the best wife, the best teacher, may not volunteer in the most activities or be a board member of the most prestigious elite groups. My kids may not ever be the team star athletes, or the valedictorian of whatever uber academic program that someone else's child might be in. I may not be married to an important member of some church's board. But when I reach judgment day, I won't be surprised to see that all my elitist airs did nothing to change my place in God's eyes. I won't be surprised to see my wrongs judged, to see my shortcomings are weighted just the same as everyone else's. I won't be surprised to find that with all my claims to being such a devoted Christian, that my actions have turned more people off to God, than brought them to Him. And I'm okay with that.

Single parenting & raising Godly sons and daughters

As if being a single parent wasn't tough enough, I find myself struggling on a biblical level as well. Those of my friends and family that aren't Christ followers won't get it, but it's certainly an issue that I struggle with. One of the greatest responsibilities I have is to raise my children into godly, compassionate, productive members of our society. As a single parent, that's an even larger challenge than a typical married parenting couple face. How can I teach my boys to be godly men, to grow up to be the leaders of their homes, to lead their wives and children, when they don't have that godly example to teach them? How can I teach my daughter to seek a godly man as her partner, and how to become his help meet to him, when I'm not a living example of that to her? It's quite a conundrum. There are so many resources available to parents- retreats, camps, seminars and conventions, classes and studies, etc., yet they speak from a biblical standpoint of a two parent household. I've found wonderful sources of information, and some fantastic opportunities that my children and/or I would love to participate in, but we don't fit the "mold". The offerings on raising sons into godly men are made for fathers and their sons to participate in together, or speak to fathers as far as how to guide their sons. I've yet to find a source of mother/son offerings or teachings that offer the same guidance. In fact, many of the things I've found that we would love to participate in are seemingly negatory in their views towards single parents. I've found myself interested in some homeschool curriculum offerings that are very clear in its preference for married families only. In fact, in order to be accepted into their program, I'd have to get my ex-husband to sign into an agreement with them. Other than that, it seems to be a fabulous program. It's quite frustrating that the boys (and girls) who need the guidance and role modeling the most are the ones who get it the least. With the rate of divorce and unmarried parents in our country, I find it shameful that there is such a lack of support in this area. It's such a sadness that I'm forced to try to teach them with "do as I say, not as I do." Surely I'm not the only single parent struggling with this! I'll continue on my quest, but it would sure be easier if I had more support from fellow Christians.

Better, not Bitter

Following my "Attitude of Gratitude" theme, is the idea of "Better, not Bitter." I've certainly had a lot of things in my life to be bitter about, but that's not what I want to be. And for the most part, I'm not. Honestly, the idea of being bitter all my life over something is horrifying. I'm fairly non-confrontational, and have a number of people that I wouldn't be openly bitter towards, but may harbor some feelings of bitterness towards inwardly. What a waste! I'm letting go of bitter, and working on better. I think that more than just bitter, I find myself being SAD over situations that have occurred. But this is definitely something I'm working on letting go of. What's done is done, and being bitter or sad over those events is useless and prevents me from being able to have the attitude of gratitude over the GOOD things that I have in my life. I'm not going to give those negative things the power to dictate my attitude and state of mine. So goodbye bitterness, hello betterness! (It’s my new word LOL)

The Attitude of Gratitude

I’ve decided to make a conscious effort at NOT getting caught up in the negative things. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to see all the things that have gone wrong, or the things that are negative in our lives. It’s too easy to become overwhelmed with all the bad things, and not even notice or acknowledge the positives. I see this often in my own life. One of my favorite songs is by Francesca Battistelli, called “This is the stuff”. It sums things up quite well.

Lyrics to This Is The Stuff:

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

I’ve sung this song to myself many times, and it serves as a reminder not to get caught up in the negatives in the here-and-now, but to seek out the blessings that are around me. I may be a struggling, single mom, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, but there are surely good things in my life, if I’m willing to look past the mess and struggles. I may not have steaks to grill for dinner, but I do have hamburgers. I may not have enough for a fancy vacation with my kids, but we do look forward to our camping trips (even if they are local), and we did get to take an amazing trip to the Wisconsin Dells that we have all worked to save up for. We may not have everything we want, but we sure do have a lot! We have cell phones and satellite TV, and my kids have video game systems that they play with their friends (even if they do have to trade games between friends and trade in games at the game store to get new ones). We have a place to live, even if it’s not where we want to stay forever. I have a great job, which I love, even though I’d like to finish school and get on to doing what I ultimately want to do. I may be constantly on the brink of financial ruins, and always seem to have more bills than money, but we still manage to have the “extras” in our life somehow. Somehow, things seem to work out, even if it’s not exactly how I wanted it too. Even when I’ve felt like the world is caving in and turned upside down, I know that God was there to keep me from falling into the bottomless pit. I may have to purpose to seek the ways that He has been there, to really search to find the good things in my life, but surely they are there. With that mindset, I’ve decided to purpose to find and acknowledge the blessings in my life on a daily basis. I’m also going to include my children in this, so they too can see the blessings in their lives, even in the midst of all their pre-teen angst. And so we are creating Gratitude Books, to record daily the things we are grateful for. By purposing to seek and acknowledge the positives, and recording them so we can reflect upon them later when it looks like the world is working against us, I hope that we can work to change our mindsets from the overwhelming feelings of negativity that are so easy to succumb to. I hope we can switch our mindset to the attitude of gratitude that makes it so much easier to deal with life’s struggles. It’s important, not only for me to think that way, but to share that attitude with my children. There really ARE blessings all around us, if we can look past the negative, dark things and not get overburdened by them. This is the first step in seeking them out.